Is he?

Hey Blog. This is my first post of 2012! Here is my issue: I have a major crush on this guy but I absolutely cannot tell if he is gay or straight! Usually if I know a guy is straight, I let it go really fast, but this one is different. Like there are times when I want to believe that he is straight, but he flirts with me all the time. Well I think he is flirting; I'm never really good at determining that unless it is really straight forward. He always makes it a habit to talk to me whenever there is a group of us. Like if we are in a group going out to lunch, I am always one of the first people he speaks to. He always is smiling at me. And lately he even has been using winky faces in text, and according to all my friends that is a sign of flirting. I even wrote a song that is really deep and extremely personal that is about him! He wants to hear it but I don't know if I can sing it for him. Like he kinda walked in on me working on it and I got extremely nervous! I don't know what to do! I just want to know if there could be an us or am I just "California Dreaming!" I guess I'll have to wait and see. Let me know what you think!

Emotional Rollercoaster

Hey blog. This weekend has seriously been an emotional rollercoaster. There has been quite a few highs and some really LOW lows. So I'm gonna start with Thursday. Thursday was a pretty chill day. I had an oral exam for my Italian class that I think went ok. The Etas had a highly successful bake sale. I was proud. I went to Queer Chorus rehearsal and then to Gaymers and then back to my room and just had some me time. I did a lot of thinking on Thursday. The pledges' also had their pledge night and I just had this weird feeling that something bad was gonna happen. Friday was really cool. I didn't go to Italian because they were just finishing up presentations. I had an Amazing voice lesson. Queer Chorus dress rehearsal was fun. And the concert was SPECTACULAR!!! Post-concert I hung out with my Grandlittle, Billie, for his birthday. We went out to eat and also went to the movies to see "The Thing." For some reason, the entire night I felt disconnected from everyone. I just didn't feel like I belonged. Saturday came around and I woke up at noon. I got dressed and got ready to go to the Pledges' Fraternity Social. It was really chill just like them. I had fun. Saturday night I went to the Alumni Ritual and saw 3 brothers, including my first Little Jake, cross into Alumni. After the ritual, we went out to eat at Threadgirl's. It was good. After that, I went over to my little, Scotty's, apartment to hang out. A bunch of other people were there and the night started off really good. I was dancing and laughing and having a good old time. After the dancing stopped, my mind started to wander. Every deep dark depressing feeling I've had started to creep up into my mind. Those things turned into facebook posts and tweets. As the night progressed, everything negative thought I've ever had, every negative thing that had ever been said to/about me, and every negative feeling just began to flow. I just wanted it all to end. I thought about it and thought about it and fought with myself like no other. I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. Thankfully I didn't do anything since I am here writing this post. I'm not going to say that the thoughts haven't left my mind but I'm taking it one step at a time. Today has been rather bleh. Everyone keeps asking me about last night, but Idk how to talk about it. How do you tell someone you thought about just ending it all? I honestly don't know how. I'm still fighting myself with this. Yeah everyone can tell a person how great they are but if they don't believe it they what can you do? Honestly I don't always feel: special, talented, beautiful, unique, wanted, loved, supported, needed, important, like people care if I exist, like I've made an impact (positive), like I do anything well, like I belong anywhere, smart, intelligent. The list could just keep going on and on. I just don't. Friends/brothers, I ask one thing, just be there for me if you see me down because I don't want to have another experience like I did last night.

Fix A Heart

So I'm sitting in the PCL with a bunch of the pledges studying yet I feel disconnected. My phone is playing all the songs that are just speaking to me like "I Like" by Stephanie Ferrett & "Disaster" by JoJo! Is it trying to tell me something? Tears actually started to well up in my eyes during "Fix A Heart" bu Demi Lovato! What is up with me? What is going on! I'm beyond confused and a little worried! Is it me wanting someone to call my own that is making feel like this? It seems like everyone around me is making connections and finding someone for them while I'm just here. ALONE. What is wrong with me? Am I damaged goods? I don't know! It seems like I have advise and wisdom to be shared with other people but not for myself. I guess no one will ever "FIX MY HEART!"

Worried!

Hey Blog!

Right now, I am beyond worried and totally doubting myself. Within the past 3 days, 2 of my Eta babies have decided to drop from the pledge process :(. I really don't know what to do right now. Each one of them have valid reasons for their decisions, but it is so taking a toll on me. Since I've been in the fraternity, no other pledge educator has had to deal with someone dropping let alone 3. I just need some real encouragement or someone to tell me I'm doing a shitty job so I can fix this.

Praying for some guidance!

What is wrong with me?

I'm sitting here trying to figure out so many things: what I want? What is wrong with me? Why don't I ever get the happy ending? I have so much going through my head that I can't separate anything. I'm not having boy problems because there is no boy in my life. No one interested. Don't have a crush on anyone. It's just me. I have so much to be excited about: I'm a PR chair for the BRP Residence Hall Council, rush looks like it is going to be successful, and I'm super excited for the pledge process. With all of this to be excited about, why am I so down? I have this weird feeling and it is really getting to me. I've had it ever since last night. I couldn't sleep much last night. This morning I was really off in Italian like I have never been that oblivious and disconnected in my life. I am even having trouble eating. Where did this emotional strife come from? I was happy pretty much all weekend and now I can't figure out what is wrong. Am I channeling someone else's pain? Or is it some suppressed emotions finally making their escape to the surface? Whatever it is, it has made my day a total drag and nowhere near as good as it could have been.

Needing this to change soon,
Ronnie

Embracing me!

Life lesson learned: I'm laying in bed just letting my mind wander. I thought about my first year of college and realized that I isolated myself, well part of myself, in a sense. I spent so much time exploring my queer identity that I lost sight of another part of myself. I'm more than just a queer person. I'm a queer person of color. Better yet, I'm a person of color period. I am black and I go to a University that has such a small African American community and I didn't take part in it at all. Why? The answer is I was afraid. I was afraid I wouldn't be accepted because I am queer. I know it is dumb, but that is how I felt. I didn't make those connection because I felt like I would be shunned. I guess that is why I meshed well with the queer community on campus because I was one of them. It didn't matter if I was black or not, we all faced the same struggles. Now looking back, yeah I face the same struggles of people in the queer community but also I face the same struggles as every black person on campus. It shouldn't matter if I am gay or straight. I'm still black and at the end of the day, that is what connects us. It's a small community and if I isolated myself from it. I shunned one part of myself for another and I shouldn't have done that. I won't do that ever again. I am Me and I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for all the different aspects that create my being. Ok Rant over. I'm finally embracing me!!!

Something New

I know it has been a while since I've posted something on here but I just want to post something that has been inspiring me lately!