Emotional Rollercoaster

Hey blog. This weekend has seriously been an emotional rollercoaster. There has been quite a few highs and some really LOW lows. So I'm gonna start with Thursday. Thursday was a pretty chill day. I had an oral exam for my Italian class that I think went ok. The Etas had a highly successful bake sale. I was proud. I went to Queer Chorus rehearsal and then to Gaymers and then back to my room and just had some me time. I did a lot of thinking on Thursday. The pledges' also had their pledge night and I just had this weird feeling that something bad was gonna happen. Friday was really cool. I didn't go to Italian because they were just finishing up presentations. I had an Amazing voice lesson. Queer Chorus dress rehearsal was fun. And the concert was SPECTACULAR!!! Post-concert I hung out with my Grandlittle, Billie, for his birthday. We went out to eat and also went to the movies to see "The Thing." For some reason, the entire night I felt disconnected from everyone. I just didn't feel like I belonged. Saturday came around and I woke up at noon. I got dressed and got ready to go to the Pledges' Fraternity Social. It was really chill just like them. I had fun. Saturday night I went to the Alumni Ritual and saw 3 brothers, including my first Little Jake, cross into Alumni. After the ritual, we went out to eat at Threadgirl's. It was good. After that, I went over to my little, Scotty's, apartment to hang out. A bunch of other people were there and the night started off really good. I was dancing and laughing and having a good old time. After the dancing stopped, my mind started to wander. Every deep dark depressing feeling I've had started to creep up into my mind. Those things turned into facebook posts and tweets. As the night progressed, everything negative thought I've ever had, every negative thing that had ever been said to/about me, and every negative feeling just began to flow. I just wanted it all to end. I thought about it and thought about it and fought with myself like no other. I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. Thankfully I didn't do anything since I am here writing this post. I'm not going to say that the thoughts haven't left my mind but I'm taking it one step at a time. Today has been rather bleh. Everyone keeps asking me about last night, but Idk how to talk about it. How do you tell someone you thought about just ending it all? I honestly don't know how. I'm still fighting myself with this. Yeah everyone can tell a person how great they are but if they don't believe it they what can you do? Honestly I don't always feel: special, talented, beautiful, unique, wanted, loved, supported, needed, important, like people care if I exist, like I've made an impact (positive), like I do anything well, like I belong anywhere, smart, intelligent. The list could just keep going on and on. I just don't. Friends/brothers, I ask one thing, just be there for me if you see me down because I don't want to have another experience like I did last night.