Hey guys,
The title from this one comes from Marsha Ambrosius's hit.
Well a lot has happened since my last post. Last weekend was somewhat lonely but also almost perfect. While it hurt that I could spend the Easter holiday with my family, I did enjoy my weekend. I had some much needed me time. I had the room to myself. Friday, I went to my friend Ashley's birthday celebration (OMG I like totally love her; she is like one of the most awesome people on the planet). I also went to bed pretty early after that like at midnight. Saturday was cool. I got to play my PS3 for the first time in like forever. After work, I ordered Chinese food and watched the Descent which was pretty much the perfect night ever. But while it was perfect, for some reason I couldn't sleep. So I woke up at 4am, watched Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood and then finished the Descent (fell asleep on it the first time). Then after I finished went back to sleep. I woke up again at like 11am. I just hung around my room on Easter. I texted all of my brothers and my family to tell them Happy Easter. I had a pretty awesome convo with my cousin Tiffany who I hadn't spoken with in a long time (I miss our 4 and 5 hour conversations about everything). The weekend was good.
This week has been pretty chill. I got through Monday and Tuesday which were the days I worked 2 events as opposed to the typical 1. Wednesday was pretty busy though. I had class, as usual, until 3pm. Then I had my TIP meeting with Lauren (my mentor). Then I went to work from 4 - 5:30. And after that, I had a frat thing. Oh I also registered for class on Wednesday. While I originally planned to have one schedule by the time I registered everything was closed. I like the schedule I wound up having but I am really gonna have trouble getting up for 8am Italian everyday (so not looking forward to it)!!! Also I got to hang out with my friends Cody, Matt, and Rudy for a long time (I didn't get to my room until 3am). Today, well technically it's Friday but whatever, was good. I woke up at 1pm. Thankfully my Italian class was optional due to us have Oral exams. So I basically chilled until I had to go to work. After work, I went to another frat event. It was really good! I got a lot out of it because it will only help me be better in my Executive position. But it also got me thinking about a lot and kinda has me feeling torn.
(For some time now, a series of events have occurred and IDK what to do about them. It's just a lot. I feel like I want to be FAR AWAY from the situation, but I'm not and it affects a numerous amount of others. But I have faith that it will all work out. It should).
Now to get away from the gloominess. I am so excited for this weekend. On Saturday, I could possibly have 6 new brothers and it makes me so happy! I adore them all and will feel so HONORED being able to call such AMAZING people BROTHER! Also this weekend we have our DLP Banquet which sounds like it will be too much fun. Plus Alumni Daniel Williams will be in town for the initiation (My first thought when I met him was "WOW!!!! He is TALL!!!"). Also on Sunday, I officially take office!!! While I am somewhat scared shitless, I am also excited. I was voted into the position because my brothers thought it fit me better than the one I initially ran for but lost to someone who will be amazing at the job (Eddie). Even my big says the job is perfect for me and that I'm perfect for the job. I will do my best.
Singing my way out,
Ronnie
Friday, April 29, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Turning Tables
Hey guys,
I just had this bright idea to name all my post after song titles. Sweet, isn't it?
There is so much I have to say but idk how to say it. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I need anymore. I don't know where I am sometimes. I think the song I started last week had more of a personal meaning than originally suspected. Who is Ronnie? What does he want? Is Ronnie even real? or is he just a mask that I put on?
I know that I want happiness. I know that I want love. I know that I want to sing. But am I good enough? Am I worthy of all these things? I don't know. Maybe I'm just moody right now, but it feels like I'm "turning tables." Sometimes it feels like I will never achieve these things. I don't know what i wrong with me. Honestly, these past few weeks I've had more fun than I've had in a long time, but something is still missing. Maybe its a connection with someone special. I haven't been in a relationship with anyone since November and I don't want casual sex. I want to cuddle and go on dates. But I also feel like "I won't let [anyone] close enough so [they] can hurt me."
I find it hard to find someone interested. Maybe it's just me but I never think people are interested in me. I know that I'm not ugly or anything like that, but I also think that people won't find me attractive. Maybe it's from all those years of constant rejection. Maybe it's from my constant wanting of things I can't have. I think that the only way I will ever find somebody is when I'm drunk or if they are drunk. Like I go out to Kiss and Fly and it's rare that I dance with anyone other than my friends if I am sober. Hell the time I made out with someone, I was damn near wasted. What is it about me having to be drunk to take those types of chances? Do I have to be "out of my right mind" in order to take risks? I always thought I was the kind of person who would try almost anything, but when it comes to matters of the heart I freeze up. It's like I have the worst case of stage fright ever. I just can't seem to bring myself to telling a person that I like them. I can tell just about anyone else but I can NEVER tell that person.
Wednesday night is a perfect example of this. At HangOUT I met a guy who is friends with my friend Torsten. Super cute with an even CUTER accent. Problem is I CAN'T talk to him. Well I can talk to him but I can't bring myself to be like "Hey, I think you are pretty cute. Let's hang out." I, even, thought about facebook stalking him. Gosh why am I like this. I crush a lot and I mean A LOT. Like every time I turn around I see someone I find cute. I just want someone I can call my own. It's like I'm looking but not finding anything. I'm not even taking chances. I'm "Turning Tables" and I need to stop. I should just let love find me but what if it doesn't? What if I'm alone for the rest of my life? I don't want to think about the love that was ALMOST there. I want it ALL.
At the fermata,
Ronnie
I just had this bright idea to name all my post after song titles. Sweet, isn't it?
There is so much I have to say but idk how to say it. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I need anymore. I don't know where I am sometimes. I think the song I started last week had more of a personal meaning than originally suspected. Who is Ronnie? What does he want? Is Ronnie even real? or is he just a mask that I put on?
I know that I want happiness. I know that I want love. I know that I want to sing. But am I good enough? Am I worthy of all these things? I don't know. Maybe I'm just moody right now, but it feels like I'm "turning tables." Sometimes it feels like I will never achieve these things. I don't know what i wrong with me. Honestly, these past few weeks I've had more fun than I've had in a long time, but something is still missing. Maybe its a connection with someone special. I haven't been in a relationship with anyone since November and I don't want casual sex. I want to cuddle and go on dates. But I also feel like "I won't let [anyone] close enough so [they] can hurt me."
I find it hard to find someone interested. Maybe it's just me but I never think people are interested in me. I know that I'm not ugly or anything like that, but I also think that people won't find me attractive. Maybe it's from all those years of constant rejection. Maybe it's from my constant wanting of things I can't have. I think that the only way I will ever find somebody is when I'm drunk or if they are drunk. Like I go out to Kiss and Fly and it's rare that I dance with anyone other than my friends if I am sober. Hell the time I made out with someone, I was damn near wasted. What is it about me having to be drunk to take those types of chances? Do I have to be "out of my right mind" in order to take risks? I always thought I was the kind of person who would try almost anything, but when it comes to matters of the heart I freeze up. It's like I have the worst case of stage fright ever. I just can't seem to bring myself to telling a person that I like them. I can tell just about anyone else but I can NEVER tell that person.
Wednesday night is a perfect example of this. At HangOUT I met a guy who is friends with my friend Torsten. Super cute with an even CUTER accent. Problem is I CAN'T talk to him. Well I can talk to him but I can't bring myself to be like "Hey, I think you are pretty cute. Let's hang out." I, even, thought about facebook stalking him. Gosh why am I like this. I crush a lot and I mean A LOT. Like every time I turn around I see someone I find cute. I just want someone I can call my own. It's like I'm looking but not finding anything. I'm not even taking chances. I'm "Turning Tables" and I need to stop. I should just let love find me but what if it doesn't? What if I'm alone for the rest of my life? I don't want to think about the love that was ALMOST there. I want it ALL.
At the fermata,
Ronnie
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Alone & Disconnected
Hey Blog,
Got a lot to say today. I will start with some of the fun stuff that happened. This weekend has been fun. On Friday, I went to one of my friend's/pledge's birthday dinner at Pluckers. It was fun. Then I pregamed with him a bit before heading downtown. Obviously, I had to be drunk because throughout the night I was dancing nonstop, made out with some random guy, and lost my glasses. I freaked after losing my glasses. Yesterday was by far better than Friday. I went the Big/Little Pledge retreat where we went kayaking. I can't swim so it was a little nerve racking but it was fun. My kayak included myself, Raul (current pledge educator), and Jake (my little). Jake was the only one who could swim. We accidentally tipped this one guy over. We felt so bad. Then we tipped over. Now as scary as it was since I couldn't swim, it was a highlight of the whole thing. Then we went and had lunch at IHop. That was chill. Our waiter was really cute :) After I got back me and Kelsey met up and went to the Pool Party that wrapped up Pride Week. It was fun. While there I got a call saying that my glasses were found and turned in a the club so I went to pick them up. The night ended with me going to Cody's (one of my best friends) room and having a movie night with him, Kelsey (Cody's little) and Rudy (a good friend).
Now its time to vent. I feel so disconnect from everyone. Like there are so many of my friends that I rarely see because I am always so busy. And when I do see them, they have so many inside jokes that make me feel just left out; like I don't belong anymore. Another thing is that whenever I am with Cody and another friend like Rudy or Jesus (other really good friend) I feel like a 3rd wheel because even though I close with both Rudy and Jesus, Cody and them are always either tickling each other or something that just makes me feel excluded from it. Makes me feel like I shouldn't be around. It makes me feel alone. Like I know they don't mean to make me feel that way or even notice that I feel that way but I do. It also gets to me when they always refer to me as the "whore" of the group. Yeah I have done stuff but that doesn't make me a whore. Yeah I do use that word a lot with my friend like I'll say "You whore" but I never mean it in a way that degrades them, its more like a joke. I'm not always saying it, only when they say some freaky or sex related. For me, it's all the time, no matter what. It makes me feel like that is all they will ever see me as a "WHORE." It is getting to me. Also when they gang up on me and be like they are the innocent ones and I'm the "Whore." It makes me feel like I am not a friend, or one of them. IDK what to do anymore. I feel alone so much. Like I could be in a group and seemingly having fun but inside I still feel alone and disconnected from everyone. It's sad. It's lonely. It's how I feel everyday! :(
Got a lot to say today. I will start with some of the fun stuff that happened. This weekend has been fun. On Friday, I went to one of my friend's/pledge's birthday dinner at Pluckers. It was fun. Then I pregamed with him a bit before heading downtown. Obviously, I had to be drunk because throughout the night I was dancing nonstop, made out with some random guy, and lost my glasses. I freaked after losing my glasses. Yesterday was by far better than Friday. I went the Big/Little Pledge retreat where we went kayaking. I can't swim so it was a little nerve racking but it was fun. My kayak included myself, Raul (current pledge educator), and Jake (my little). Jake was the only one who could swim. We accidentally tipped this one guy over. We felt so bad. Then we tipped over. Now as scary as it was since I couldn't swim, it was a highlight of the whole thing. Then we went and had lunch at IHop. That was chill. Our waiter was really cute :) After I got back me and Kelsey met up and went to the Pool Party that wrapped up Pride Week. It was fun. While there I got a call saying that my glasses were found and turned in a the club so I went to pick them up. The night ended with me going to Cody's (one of my best friends) room and having a movie night with him, Kelsey (Cody's little) and Rudy (a good friend).
Now its time to vent. I feel so disconnect from everyone. Like there are so many of my friends that I rarely see because I am always so busy. And when I do see them, they have so many inside jokes that make me feel just left out; like I don't belong anymore. Another thing is that whenever I am with Cody and another friend like Rudy or Jesus (other really good friend) I feel like a 3rd wheel because even though I close with both Rudy and Jesus, Cody and them are always either tickling each other or something that just makes me feel excluded from it. Makes me feel like I shouldn't be around. It makes me feel alone. Like I know they don't mean to make me feel that way or even notice that I feel that way but I do. It also gets to me when they always refer to me as the "whore" of the group. Yeah I have done stuff but that doesn't make me a whore. Yeah I do use that word a lot with my friend like I'll say "You whore" but I never mean it in a way that degrades them, its more like a joke. I'm not always saying it, only when they say some freaky or sex related. For me, it's all the time, no matter what. It makes me feel like that is all they will ever see me as a "WHORE." It is getting to me. Also when they gang up on me and be like they are the innocent ones and I'm the "Whore." It makes me feel like I am not a friend, or one of them. IDK what to do anymore. I feel alone so much. Like I could be in a group and seemingly having fun but inside I still feel alone and disconnected from everyone. It's sad. It's lonely. It's how I feel everyday! :(
Monday, April 11, 2011
Life as of late & New song
Hey blog,
Life for me has been crazy lately. I've been trying to balance work and school and other things and it's just been tough. However, my weekend was pretty awesome. Friday night, I went to the UT Men's and Women's Chorus Concert and it was really good. Like I so miss being in choir. Hopefully it will happen for me next semester. After the concert I went out with my friends downtown and had so much fun! It was a great night! Going out on a tangent, but my friends are awesome. Like one of my friends got really drunk on Friday and us as a group took care of him. Like I even gave him my bed for the night because we were not letting him drive home. NO WAY!!!
Back on subject, Saturday was amazing. I went camping with my bros (<3 ΔΛΦ). It was my first time camping and it was so much fun. I got to hang out with my big (Paulie Awesomeness) which I haven't done in a while, we grilled hotdogs, made s'mores, played by the lakefront, played "Sardines" and "Ninja," and even had a secret circle. It was a blast. Yesterday was pretty cool to. I got back to campus around 10 and I basically chilled for a while. Went got some Jack in the Box for lunch, watched Marvel Anime: X-Men episode 2, and napped for longer than I should have. I was even invited to an open mic in one of the dorms by my friend and I sang. I sang "Hurt" a'cappella and it was good. It was fun. It still weirds me out how nervous I get even after years of singing on stage despite it only really being 3 years. Then last night I revised/rewrote my midterm paper for My Gay and Lesbian Lit class. I was up until 4 working on it but I believe it is better than the last one.
Now it's on to the musical stuff. Saturday, Paul (my big) was telling me about his Requiem (really he is 21 and already wrote a requiem...Awesome) and his final movement. It is beautiful. It features a song called "Orange and Pink" by his friend Sowmya. Honestly, it is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. It lyrics are so poetic and her voice is an orgasmic combination of Allie Moss and Ingrid Michaelson plus a hint of Adele (fag out moment). I totally made Paul send me the song yesterday (it's become my new writing song). Love it. But it also inspired me to write again. I honestly haven't written a song since senior year and I actually miss doing it. So its not yet titled nor is it finished but here it is:
If any of you readers want to contribute or help me out with this process. Let me know. Even if you just like it, leave a comment. I would love your feedback.
Life for me has been crazy lately. I've been trying to balance work and school and other things and it's just been tough. However, my weekend was pretty awesome. Friday night, I went to the UT Men's and Women's Chorus Concert and it was really good. Like I so miss being in choir. Hopefully it will happen for me next semester. After the concert I went out with my friends downtown and had so much fun! It was a great night! Going out on a tangent, but my friends are awesome. Like one of my friends got really drunk on Friday and us as a group took care of him. Like I even gave him my bed for the night because we were not letting him drive home. NO WAY!!!
Back on subject, Saturday was amazing. I went camping with my bros (<3 ΔΛΦ). It was my first time camping and it was so much fun. I got to hang out with my big (Paulie Awesomeness) which I haven't done in a while, we grilled hotdogs, made s'mores, played by the lakefront, played "Sardines" and "Ninja," and even had a secret circle. It was a blast. Yesterday was pretty cool to. I got back to campus around 10 and I basically chilled for a while. Went got some Jack in the Box for lunch, watched Marvel Anime: X-Men episode 2, and napped for longer than I should have. I was even invited to an open mic in one of the dorms by my friend and I sang. I sang "Hurt" a'cappella and it was good. It was fun. It still weirds me out how nervous I get even after years of singing on stage despite it only really being 3 years. Then last night I revised/rewrote my midterm paper for My Gay and Lesbian Lit class. I was up until 4 working on it but I believe it is better than the last one.
Now it's on to the musical stuff. Saturday, Paul (my big) was telling me about his Requiem (really he is 21 and already wrote a requiem...Awesome) and his final movement. It is beautiful. It features a song called "Orange and Pink" by his friend Sowmya. Honestly, it is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. It lyrics are so poetic and her voice is an orgasmic combination of Allie Moss and Ingrid Michaelson plus a hint of Adele (fag out moment). I totally made Paul send me the song yesterday (it's become my new writing song). Love it. But it also inspired me to write again. I honestly haven't written a song since senior year and I actually miss doing it. So its not yet titled nor is it finished but here it is:
If any of you readers want to contribute or help me out with this process. Let me know. Even if you just like it, leave a comment. I would love your feedback.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wow!!!
Today was...Idk how to describe it!! It was fun and nice and good. My only concern is to why I felt so bad after. It was fun! I really enjoyed every aspect of it. Idk!!! Guess some poetry or something will come out of me soon. Maybe even a song.
On another note, I am extremely proud of the Zeta-Williams pledge class of the Beta Rho chapter of ΔΛΦ because they are being so proactive!! I love these boys!!! I'm so excited to attend their stuff!!! The future of our chapter is looking bright. A new Executive Board, a new group of pledges well on their way to becoming amazing brothers, and a new group of fresh ideas. Excited!!!
On another note, I am extremely proud of the Zeta-Williams pledge class of the Beta Rho chapter of ΔΛΦ because they are being so proactive!! I love these boys!!! I'm so excited to attend their stuff!!! The future of our chapter is looking bright. A new Executive Board, a new group of pledges well on their way to becoming amazing brothers, and a new group of fresh ideas. Excited!!!
Monday, April 4, 2011
I'm a Blogger now! :)
Hey guys!!!
Looks like I'm a blogger now! Well I guess I need to be because I, for some reason, stopped journaling. Well upon this blog I guess I will post vids, song lyrics, poetry, or just whatever I feel coming to me. I am an artist. I am a singer. I am a performer!!!
Looks like I'm a blogger now! Well I guess I need to be because I, for some reason, stopped journaling. Well upon this blog I guess I will post vids, song lyrics, poetry, or just whatever I feel coming to me. I am an artist. I am a singer. I am a performer!!!
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