Turning Tables

Hey guys,

I just had this bright idea to name all my post after song titles. Sweet, isn't it?

There is so much I have to say but idk how to say it. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I need anymore. I don't know where I am sometimes. I think the song I started last week had more of a personal meaning than originally suspected. Who is Ronnie? What does he want? Is Ronnie even real? or is he just a mask that I put on?

I know that I want happiness. I know that I want love. I know that I want to sing. But am I good enough? Am I worthy of all these things? I don't know. Maybe I'm just moody right now, but it feels like I'm "turning tables." Sometimes it feels like I will never achieve these things. I don't know what i wrong with me. Honestly, these past few weeks I've had more fun than I've had in a long time, but something is still missing. Maybe its a connection with someone special. I haven't been in a relationship with anyone since November and I don't want casual sex. I want to cuddle and go on dates. But I also feel like "I won't let [anyone] close enough so [they] can hurt me."

I find it hard to find someone interested. Maybe it's just me but I never think people are interested in me. I know that I'm not ugly or anything like that, but I also think that people won't find me attractive. Maybe it's from all those years of constant rejection. Maybe it's from my constant wanting of things I can't have. I think that the only way I will ever find somebody is when I'm drunk or if they are drunk. Like I go out to Kiss and Fly and it's rare that I dance with anyone other than my friends if I am sober. Hell the time I made out with someone, I was damn near wasted. What is it about me having to be drunk to take those types of chances? Do I have to be "out of my right mind" in order to take risks? I always thought I was the kind of person who would try almost anything, but when it comes to matters of the heart I freeze up. It's like I have the worst case of stage fright ever. I just can't seem to bring myself to telling a person that I like them. I can tell just about anyone else but I can NEVER tell that person.

Wednesday night is a perfect example of this. At HangOUT I met a guy who is friends with my friend Torsten. Super cute with an even CUTER accent. Problem is I CAN'T talk to him. Well I can talk to him but I can't bring myself to be like "Hey, I think you are pretty cute. Let's hang out." I, even, thought about facebook stalking him. Gosh why am I like this. I crush a lot and I mean A LOT. Like every time I turn around I see someone I find cute. I just want someone I can call my own. It's like I'm looking but not finding anything. I'm not even taking chances. I'm "Turning Tables" and I need to stop. I should just let love find me but what if it doesn't? What if I'm alone for the rest of my life? I don't want to think about the love that was ALMOST there. I want it ALL.

At the fermata,
Ronnie