Emotional Rollercoaster

Hey blog. This weekend has seriously been an emotional rollercoaster. There has been quite a few highs and some really LOW lows. So I'm gonna start with Thursday. Thursday was a pretty chill day. I had an oral exam for my Italian class that I think went ok. The Etas had a highly successful bake sale. I was proud. I went to Queer Chorus rehearsal and then to Gaymers and then back to my room and just had some me time. I did a lot of thinking on Thursday. The pledges' also had their pledge night and I just had this weird feeling that something bad was gonna happen. Friday was really cool. I didn't go to Italian because they were just finishing up presentations. I had an Amazing voice lesson. Queer Chorus dress rehearsal was fun. And the concert was SPECTACULAR!!! Post-concert I hung out with my Grandlittle, Billie, for his birthday. We went out to eat and also went to the movies to see "The Thing." For some reason, the entire night I felt disconnected from everyone. I just didn't feel like I belonged. Saturday came around and I woke up at noon. I got dressed and got ready to go to the Pledges' Fraternity Social. It was really chill just like them. I had fun. Saturday night I went to the Alumni Ritual and saw 3 brothers, including my first Little Jake, cross into Alumni. After the ritual, we went out to eat at Threadgirl's. It was good. After that, I went over to my little, Scotty's, apartment to hang out. A bunch of other people were there and the night started off really good. I was dancing and laughing and having a good old time. After the dancing stopped, my mind started to wander. Every deep dark depressing feeling I've had started to creep up into my mind. Those things turned into facebook posts and tweets. As the night progressed, everything negative thought I've ever had, every negative thing that had ever been said to/about me, and every negative feeling just began to flow. I just wanted it all to end. I thought about it and thought about it and fought with myself like no other. I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. Thankfully I didn't do anything since I am here writing this post. I'm not going to say that the thoughts haven't left my mind but I'm taking it one step at a time. Today has been rather bleh. Everyone keeps asking me about last night, but Idk how to talk about it. How do you tell someone you thought about just ending it all? I honestly don't know how. I'm still fighting myself with this. Yeah everyone can tell a person how great they are but if they don't believe it they what can you do? Honestly I don't always feel: special, talented, beautiful, unique, wanted, loved, supported, needed, important, like people care if I exist, like I've made an impact (positive), like I do anything well, like I belong anywhere, smart, intelligent. The list could just keep going on and on. I just don't. Friends/brothers, I ask one thing, just be there for me if you see me down because I don't want to have another experience like I did last night.

Fix A Heart

So I'm sitting in the PCL with a bunch of the pledges studying yet I feel disconnected. My phone is playing all the songs that are just speaking to me like "I Like" by Stephanie Ferrett & "Disaster" by JoJo! Is it trying to tell me something? Tears actually started to well up in my eyes during "Fix A Heart" bu Demi Lovato! What is up with me? What is going on! I'm beyond confused and a little worried! Is it me wanting someone to call my own that is making feel like this? It seems like everyone around me is making connections and finding someone for them while I'm just here. ALONE. What is wrong with me? Am I damaged goods? I don't know! It seems like I have advise and wisdom to be shared with other people but not for myself. I guess no one will ever "FIX MY HEART!"

Worried!

Hey Blog!

Right now, I am beyond worried and totally doubting myself. Within the past 3 days, 2 of my Eta babies have decided to drop from the pledge process :(. I really don't know what to do right now. Each one of them have valid reasons for their decisions, but it is so taking a toll on me. Since I've been in the fraternity, no other pledge educator has had to deal with someone dropping let alone 3. I just need some real encouragement or someone to tell me I'm doing a shitty job so I can fix this.

Praying for some guidance!

What is wrong with me?

I'm sitting here trying to figure out so many things: what I want? What is wrong with me? Why don't I ever get the happy ending? I have so much going through my head that I can't separate anything. I'm not having boy problems because there is no boy in my life. No one interested. Don't have a crush on anyone. It's just me. I have so much to be excited about: I'm a PR chair for the BRP Residence Hall Council, rush looks like it is going to be successful, and I'm super excited for the pledge process. With all of this to be excited about, why am I so down? I have this weird feeling and it is really getting to me. I've had it ever since last night. I couldn't sleep much last night. This morning I was really off in Italian like I have never been that oblivious and disconnected in my life. I am even having trouble eating. Where did this emotional strife come from? I was happy pretty much all weekend and now I can't figure out what is wrong. Am I channeling someone else's pain? Or is it some suppressed emotions finally making their escape to the surface? Whatever it is, it has made my day a total drag and nowhere near as good as it could have been.

Needing this to change soon,
Ronnie

Embracing me!

Life lesson learned: I'm laying in bed just letting my mind wander. I thought about my first year of college and realized that I isolated myself, well part of myself, in a sense. I spent so much time exploring my queer identity that I lost sight of another part of myself. I'm more than just a queer person. I'm a queer person of color. Better yet, I'm a person of color period. I am black and I go to a University that has such a small African American community and I didn't take part in it at all. Why? The answer is I was afraid. I was afraid I wouldn't be accepted because I am queer. I know it is dumb, but that is how I felt. I didn't make those connection because I felt like I would be shunned. I guess that is why I meshed well with the queer community on campus because I was one of them. It didn't matter if I was black or not, we all faced the same struggles. Now looking back, yeah I face the same struggles of people in the queer community but also I face the same struggles as every black person on campus. It shouldn't matter if I am gay or straight. I'm still black and at the end of the day, that is what connects us. It's a small community and if I isolated myself from it. I shunned one part of myself for another and I shouldn't have done that. I won't do that ever again. I am Me and I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for all the different aspects that create my being. Ok Rant over. I'm finally embracing me!!!

Something New

I know it has been a while since I've posted something on here but I just want to post something that has been inspiring me lately!

Someone Like You

It's been a while since my last post. So much has happened since I last checked in. Well I finished my first year of college. But what I really wanted to talk about in this post is my AMAZING FRIENDS who have become like FAMILY to me. Honestly if it wasn't for you guys, I don't think I would have survived my first year of college.

Armando: You are on of the funniest and coolest people I know. I'm so happy that we will be rooming together next year. When you are focused, you are one of the smarted people I know. Stay focused and stay driven and you will be an even BIGGER FORCE to be reckoned with! :)

Ashley H.: Where do I begin with you. You are beautiful in every single way!!! I love you! And I truly believe that you are AWESOME!!! Please don't ever change because I don't know if the world could handle an even more AWESOME Ashley!!! :)

Cody: You are without a doubt one of my best friends! Oh how I adore the time we spend together getting as ratchet as can be!!! You have such a sweet spirit. And btw you are brilliant and such a science nerd. I know who to go to whenever I need medical advice. <3 you bestie!!!

Daniel: Mr. Jenkins, who are AMAZING!!! Such a nerd too. Over the past year, I've seen you grow so much as a person. You went from being an emotional wreck to a young man who is discovering just how AMAZING he really is. You are an inspiration. In more ways than one, I wish I was more like you. Know that you are always loved. :)

Jesus: Boy, how can I meet a person and know them for only a single semester and consider them a bestie? I have know idea how but I surely consider you one. You are hilarious and such a character. Half of the time I don't know what to do with you. You are so sweet and kind and such a hoe but in all the best ways possible. <3 you Jesus

Justin: While we didn't hang out as much as I would've liked to while we were pledging, I <3 you. You are incredible. That is the only word I can think of to describe you. The future of DLP is in good hands with you as our current president! You simply inspire me! :)

Mary: Roby, <3 <3 <3!!! Simply put. You put a smile on my face all the time. I love hanging out with you. I know you have a bright future ahead of you. You got so much to over the world and your potential is limitless. If there is anyone that I know will rise above any obstacle, it has to be you. You have gone through so much and still keep going because you know that life goes on and that you just have to roll with the punches. You amaze me. Next fall we joining the BSA (Black Student Association) together. :)

Matt G: You make me go GAGA!!! You are one of the coolest people ever. And you will be my brother one day!!! I know that for a fact!!! I am so glad to have met you this year. I know it's going to be crazy odd not having a class with you this fall but I know I will see you around everywhere as always. <3

Rey: You amuse me. Anytime we hang together I know I'm gonna wind up laughing. Rey, you are beautiful. You always talk down about yourself but you are incredible and anyone can see that. The second you see that for yourself, you will be a whole lot happier. <3 you brother!!!

Rudy: RuRu, I don't know what to do with you. You are so smart and so crazy that the combination of the two still boggles my mind. I just can't wrap my head around it. You are so special. I am so glad to have met you and get to hang out with you. Many more crazy nights to come in the future!!! :)

If I forgot anyone else, you are super special to me. I wish I could take the time and name everyone I've met since I started at UT but that would literally take forever!!! <3 you guys!!! This video is for all of you:

Far Away

Hey guys,

The title from this one comes from Marsha Ambrosius's hit.

Well a lot has happened since my last post. Last weekend was somewhat lonely but also almost perfect. While it hurt that I could spend the Easter holiday with my family, I did enjoy my weekend. I had some much needed me time. I had the room to myself. Friday, I went to my friend Ashley's birthday celebration (OMG I like totally love her; she is like one of the most awesome people on the planet). I also went to bed pretty early after that like at midnight. Saturday was cool. I got to play my PS3 for the first time in like forever. After work, I ordered Chinese food and watched the Descent which was pretty much the perfect night ever. But while it was perfect, for some reason I couldn't sleep. So I woke up at 4am, watched Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood and then finished the Descent (fell asleep on it the first time). Then after I finished went back to sleep. I woke up again at like 11am. I just hung around my room on Easter. I texted all of my brothers and my family to tell them Happy Easter. I had a pretty awesome convo with my cousin Tiffany who I hadn't spoken with in a long time (I miss our 4 and 5 hour conversations about everything). The weekend was good.

This week has been pretty chill. I got through Monday and Tuesday which were the days I worked 2 events as opposed to the typical 1. Wednesday was pretty busy though. I had class, as usual, until 3pm. Then I had my TIP meeting with Lauren (my mentor). Then I went to work from 4 - 5:30. And after that, I had a frat thing. Oh I also registered for class on Wednesday. While I originally planned to have one schedule by the time I registered everything was closed. I like the schedule I wound up having but I am really gonna have trouble getting up for 8am Italian everyday (so not looking forward to it)!!! Also I got to hang out with my friends Cody, Matt, and Rudy for a long time (I didn't get to my room until 3am). Today, well technically it's Friday but whatever, was good. I woke up at 1pm. Thankfully my Italian class was optional due to us have Oral exams. So I basically chilled until I had to go to work. After work, I went to another frat event. It was really good! I got a lot out of it because it will only help me be better in my Executive position. But it also got me thinking about a lot and kinda has me feeling torn.

(For some time now, a series of events have occurred and IDK what to do about them. It's just a lot. I feel like I want to be FAR AWAY from the situation, but I'm not and it affects a numerous amount of others. But I have faith that it will all work out. It should).

Now to get away from the gloominess. I am so excited for this weekend. On Saturday, I could possibly have 6 new brothers and it makes me so happy! I adore them all and will feel so HONORED being able to call such AMAZING people BROTHER! Also this weekend we have our DLP Banquet which sounds like it will be too much fun. Plus Alumni Daniel Williams will be in town for the initiation (My first thought when I met him was "WOW!!!! He is TALL!!!"). Also on Sunday, I officially take office!!! While I am somewhat scared shitless, I am also excited. I was voted into the position because my brothers thought it fit me better than the one I initially ran for but lost to someone who will be amazing at the job (Eddie). Even my big says the job is perfect for me and that I'm perfect for the job. I will do my best.

Singing my way out,
Ronnie

Turning Tables

Hey guys,

I just had this bright idea to name all my post after song titles. Sweet, isn't it?

There is so much I have to say but idk how to say it. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I need anymore. I don't know where I am sometimes. I think the song I started last week had more of a personal meaning than originally suspected. Who is Ronnie? What does he want? Is Ronnie even real? or is he just a mask that I put on?

I know that I want happiness. I know that I want love. I know that I want to sing. But am I good enough? Am I worthy of all these things? I don't know. Maybe I'm just moody right now, but it feels like I'm "turning tables." Sometimes it feels like I will never achieve these things. I don't know what i wrong with me. Honestly, these past few weeks I've had more fun than I've had in a long time, but something is still missing. Maybe its a connection with someone special. I haven't been in a relationship with anyone since November and I don't want casual sex. I want to cuddle and go on dates. But I also feel like "I won't let [anyone] close enough so [they] can hurt me."

I find it hard to find someone interested. Maybe it's just me but I never think people are interested in me. I know that I'm not ugly or anything like that, but I also think that people won't find me attractive. Maybe it's from all those years of constant rejection. Maybe it's from my constant wanting of things I can't have. I think that the only way I will ever find somebody is when I'm drunk or if they are drunk. Like I go out to Kiss and Fly and it's rare that I dance with anyone other than my friends if I am sober. Hell the time I made out with someone, I was damn near wasted. What is it about me having to be drunk to take those types of chances? Do I have to be "out of my right mind" in order to take risks? I always thought I was the kind of person who would try almost anything, but when it comes to matters of the heart I freeze up. It's like I have the worst case of stage fright ever. I just can't seem to bring myself to telling a person that I like them. I can tell just about anyone else but I can NEVER tell that person.

Wednesday night is a perfect example of this. At HangOUT I met a guy who is friends with my friend Torsten. Super cute with an even CUTER accent. Problem is I CAN'T talk to him. Well I can talk to him but I can't bring myself to be like "Hey, I think you are pretty cute. Let's hang out." I, even, thought about facebook stalking him. Gosh why am I like this. I crush a lot and I mean A LOT. Like every time I turn around I see someone I find cute. I just want someone I can call my own. It's like I'm looking but not finding anything. I'm not even taking chances. I'm "Turning Tables" and I need to stop. I should just let love find me but what if it doesn't? What if I'm alone for the rest of my life? I don't want to think about the love that was ALMOST there. I want it ALL.

At the fermata,
Ronnie

Alone & Disconnected

Hey Blog,
Got a lot to say today. I will start with some of the fun stuff that happened. This weekend has been fun. On Friday, I went to one of my friend's/pledge's birthday dinner at Pluckers. It was fun. Then I pregamed with him a bit before heading downtown. Obviously, I had to be drunk because throughout the night I was dancing nonstop, made out with some random guy, and lost my glasses. I freaked after losing my glasses. Yesterday was by far better than Friday. I went the Big/Little Pledge retreat where we went kayaking. I can't swim so it was a little nerve racking but it was fun. My kayak included myself, Raul (current pledge educator), and Jake (my little). Jake was the only one who could swim. We accidentally tipped this one guy over. We felt so bad. Then we tipped over. Now as scary as it was since I couldn't swim, it was a highlight of the whole thing. Then we went and had lunch at IHop. That was chill. Our waiter was really cute :) After I got back me and Kelsey met up and went to the Pool Party that wrapped up Pride Week. It was fun. While there I got a call saying that my glasses were found and turned in a the club so I went to pick them up. The night ended with me going to Cody's (one of my best friends) room and having a movie night with him, Kelsey (Cody's little) and Rudy (a good friend).

Now its time to vent. I feel so disconnect from everyone. Like there are so many of my friends that I rarely see because I am always so busy. And when I do see them, they have so many inside jokes that make me feel just left out; like I don't belong anymore. Another thing is that whenever I am with Cody and another friend like Rudy or Jesus (other really good friend) I feel like a 3rd wheel because even though I close with both Rudy and Jesus, Cody and them are always either tickling each other or something that just makes me feel excluded from it. Makes me feel like I shouldn't be around. It makes me feel alone. Like I know they don't mean to make me feel that way or even notice that I feel that way but I do. It also gets to me when they always refer to me as the "whore" of the group. Yeah I have done stuff but that doesn't make me a whore. Yeah I do use that word a lot with my friend like I'll say "You whore" but I never mean it in a way that degrades them, its more like a joke. I'm not always saying it, only when they say some freaky or sex related. For me, it's all the time, no matter what. It makes me feel like that is all they will ever see me as a "WHORE." It is getting to me. Also when they gang up on me and be like they are the innocent ones and I'm the "Whore." It makes me feel like I am not a friend, or one of them. IDK what to do anymore. I feel alone so much. Like I could be in a group and seemingly having fun but inside I still feel alone and disconnected from everyone. It's sad. It's lonely. It's how I feel everyday! :(

Life as of late & New song

Hey blog,

Life for me has been crazy lately. I've been trying to balance work and school and other things and it's just been tough. However, my weekend was pretty awesome. Friday night, I went to the UT Men's and Women's Chorus Concert and it was really good. Like I so miss being in choir. Hopefully it will happen for me next semester. After the concert I went out with my friends downtown and had so much fun! It was a great night! Going out on a tangent, but my friends are awesome. Like one of my friends got really drunk on Friday and us as a group took care of him. Like I even gave him my bed for the night because we were not letting him drive home. NO WAY!!!

Back on subject, Saturday was amazing. I went camping with my bros (<3 ΔΛΦ). It was my first time camping and it was so much fun. I got to hang out with my big (Paulie Awesomeness) which I haven't done in a while, we grilled hotdogs, made s'mores, played by the lakefront, played "Sardines" and "Ninja," and even had a secret circle. It was a blast. Yesterday was pretty cool to. I got back to campus around 10 and I basically chilled for a while. Went got some Jack in the Box for lunch, watched Marvel Anime: X-Men episode 2, and napped for longer than I should have. I was even invited to an open mic in one of the dorms by my friend and I sang. I sang "Hurt" a'cappella and it was good. It was fun. It still weirds me out how nervous I get even after years of singing on stage despite it only really being 3 years. Then last night I revised/rewrote my midterm paper for My Gay and Lesbian Lit class. I was up until 4 working on it but I believe it is better than the last one.

Now it's on to the musical stuff. Saturday, Paul (my big) was telling me about his Requiem (really he is 21 and already wrote a requiem...Awesome) and his final movement. It is beautiful. It features a song called "Orange and Pink" by his friend Sowmya. Honestly, it is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. It lyrics are so poetic and her voice is an orgasmic combination of Allie Moss and Ingrid Michaelson plus a hint of Adele (fag out moment). I totally made Paul send me the song yesterday (it's become my new writing song). Love it. But it also inspired me to write again. I honestly haven't written a song since senior year and I actually miss doing it. So its not yet titled nor is it finished but here it is:



If any of you readers want to contribute or help me out with this process. Let me know. Even if you just like it, leave a comment. I would love your feedback.

Wow!!!

Today was...Idk how to describe it!! It was fun and nice and good. My only concern is to why I felt so bad after. It was fun! I really enjoyed every aspect of it. Idk!!! Guess some poetry or something will come out of me soon. Maybe even a song.

On another note, I am extremely proud of the Zeta-Williams pledge class of the Beta Rho chapter of ΔΛΦ because they are being so proactive!! I love these boys!!! I'm so excited to attend their stuff!!! The future of our chapter is looking bright. A new Executive Board, a new group of pledges well on their way to becoming amazing brothers, and a new group of fresh ideas. Excited!!!

I'm a Blogger now! :)

Hey guys!!!
Looks like I'm a blogger now! Well I guess I need to be because I, for some reason, stopped journaling. Well upon this blog I guess I will post vids, song lyrics, poetry, or just whatever I feel coming to me. I am an artist. I am a singer. I am a performer!!!