Alone & Disconnected

Hey Blog,
Got a lot to say today. I will start with some of the fun stuff that happened. This weekend has been fun. On Friday, I went to one of my friend's/pledge's birthday dinner at Pluckers. It was fun. Then I pregamed with him a bit before heading downtown. Obviously, I had to be drunk because throughout the night I was dancing nonstop, made out with some random guy, and lost my glasses. I freaked after losing my glasses. Yesterday was by far better than Friday. I went the Big/Little Pledge retreat where we went kayaking. I can't swim so it was a little nerve racking but it was fun. My kayak included myself, Raul (current pledge educator), and Jake (my little). Jake was the only one who could swim. We accidentally tipped this one guy over. We felt so bad. Then we tipped over. Now as scary as it was since I couldn't swim, it was a highlight of the whole thing. Then we went and had lunch at IHop. That was chill. Our waiter was really cute :) After I got back me and Kelsey met up and went to the Pool Party that wrapped up Pride Week. It was fun. While there I got a call saying that my glasses were found and turned in a the club so I went to pick them up. The night ended with me going to Cody's (one of my best friends) room and having a movie night with him, Kelsey (Cody's little) and Rudy (a good friend).

Now its time to vent. I feel so disconnect from everyone. Like there are so many of my friends that I rarely see because I am always so busy. And when I do see them, they have so many inside jokes that make me feel just left out; like I don't belong anymore. Another thing is that whenever I am with Cody and another friend like Rudy or Jesus (other really good friend) I feel like a 3rd wheel because even though I close with both Rudy and Jesus, Cody and them are always either tickling each other or something that just makes me feel excluded from it. Makes me feel like I shouldn't be around. It makes me feel alone. Like I know they don't mean to make me feel that way or even notice that I feel that way but I do. It also gets to me when they always refer to me as the "whore" of the group. Yeah I have done stuff but that doesn't make me a whore. Yeah I do use that word a lot with my friend like I'll say "You whore" but I never mean it in a way that degrades them, its more like a joke. I'm not always saying it, only when they say some freaky or sex related. For me, it's all the time, no matter what. It makes me feel like that is all they will ever see me as a "WHORE." It is getting to me. Also when they gang up on me and be like they are the innocent ones and I'm the "Whore." It makes me feel like I am not a friend, or one of them. IDK what to do anymore. I feel alone so much. Like I could be in a group and seemingly having fun but inside I still feel alone and disconnected from everyone. It's sad. It's lonely. It's how I feel everyday! :(